Alright, here's the deal: being pregnant ain't easy. Pregnant women go through a lot. The process of pregnancy is beautiful, but it's also very fragile. It takes its toll on a woman, and it's important to be sensitive to her, her choices, and her body. Especially her body. Got that? BE SENSITIVE ABOUT HER CHANGING BODY!! No matter how far along or big you think the pregnant woman you know is, you better NOT say any of these 12 things to her (or if you do, don't be offended by her inevitably snarky response):
1."Oh my friend just had a 13-pound baby after a 96-hour labor... but I'm sure yours will be just fine."
Like, do you expect me to thank you for that? How does one even respond to something like that? It's best to just keep your horror stories to yourselves, mmkay?
2. “Whew! Getting close now, huh?”
No. I’ve got 3 more months. Thanks though.
3. "You sure it's not twins?"
Why, because I look like a blue whale that swallowed an orca? No, Sherlock, we're not sure. The possibility of having twins didn't occur to us - we better check on that. Thanks for pointing that out.
4. "Do you have other kids?" Followed by, "Wow, you guys are crazy."
Yep, we're crazy. The thought that life doesn't end with our generation and we might want to ensure the world is passed on into good hands is a completely insane and irrational thought. Oh, and our kids kind of make us happy and fulfill us, but don't tell our shrink!
5. "Is this maybe the pregnancy hormones talking?"
Yes, dear, it is just my pregnancy hormones that are upset and want you to put the toilet seat down so I don't fall into the toilet in the middle of the night at 7 months pregnant. My logical self loves the cool, splashing midnight sensation!
6. "Oh, I didn't know pregnant women could drink coffee/soda/tea."
Yep, we sure can! Got any other sly remarks you need to get out, Mr. Passive-Aggressive? Want to ask about my sex life?
7. "Are you going to get an epidural? Have you seen the size of those needles?"
Needles... what needles?! Yes, I am aware the needle is large, but I try not to think of it, and plan to avoid looking at it at all costs, but I sure appreciate the panic you're attempting to instill in me. Thank goodness for supportive friends. Meh.
8. "Should you be doing that? Shouldn't you be resting?"
Don't worry, I've been horseback riding for years, I know exactly what I'm doing and this baby will be just fine!
... kidding. But really, pregnant women are advised on what activities they should and should not be doing by their doctor, and are usually pretty quick to give him/her a ring if they have any questions. Leave the pro-tips to the pros.
9. "Were you trying for a boy/girl this time?"
Oh yeah definitely, we had a ceremonial dance ritual and created a shrine for the goddess of gender the night before conception. We definitely didn't want to get stuck with another girl, because obviously we don't want a repeat of what we have now. She's just kind of, "eh," ya know?
10. "Looks like the baby loves ice cream!"
I am literally just sitting here eating ice cream. Like any other human being. Oh, is it because I'm pregnant? Are you going to start in about pickles now too? Oh that's hilarious you're too funny you should audition for SNL. OK, bye now.
11. "Most women go past their due date with their first, I wouldn't hold your breath!"
Good advice, because I was literally just about to start holding my breath! Phew, good thing you are such an expert on the delivery schedules of pregnant women, I'm so lucky.
12. "Is your cervix ripened?"
WTF is ripened? Who even allowed that term to be used to describe a pregnant woman's cervix? Ripened, REALLY??? If you must ask, use the term dilated. I'm not a banana.
You've officially been warned. Ask any of these questions, and reap the obnoxious and sarcastic consequences.