Dear Constipated Pregnant Woman,
April 13, 2022
First of all, take all of your preconceived notions about what’s appropriate to write in a blog post and leave them right here:
Great, because sh*t’s about to get real.
(I’m sorry, I had to. The pun was just too good to pass up).
As I write this warning letter to you, my only desire is that you do not suffer the agonizing pain that I have endured, and continue to endure by my own ignorance.
You, dear pregnant woman, are my audience because I have been in your shoes, and it was in the throes of gastrointestinal fury caused by my maternal condition that I reached for that seductive box…
Yes, I am talking about fiber bars.
Not all of you will encounter this dilemma. If you are spared the agony that is pregnancy constipation may you heed this warning and serve as the guardian angel to any of your gravid peers tempted to succumb to the enticement of the fiber bar.
Pregnancy constipation is a real thing. I suffered from it with my first, but was spared during my second pregnancy. And other than when I am heavy with child, I don’t have this problem. But it’s intense. If you know what I’m talking about, you won’t be surprised to hear that (brace yourselves) I have read accounts (and you can do a very simple google search to read several first-hand accounts) of women taking drastic measures to get their bowels to move, so to speak. Without making you even more nauseous than you probably already are, let me just advise you to avoid trying to “manually” break-up the “blockage.” If you need further explanation just start googling. Blech.
If you feel like you’ve gotten to this point, talk to your doctor. Even if you don’t talk to him about it, he’ll probably talk to you about eating plenty of fiber. And he’s right - to prevent the “desperate” kind of constipation from happening, you must eat fiber. What you must understand is that your doctor is probably not recommending fiber bars.
Fiber is in fruit. Eat fruit.
Fiber is in vegetables. Eat vegetables.
Fiber is in your leather shoe. Eat your leather shoe.
But by God’s good grace do not go near a box of fiber bars.
You will laugh at me. You will go down the cereal aisle in your grocery store and see it. You’ll see the glorious boxes boasting “salted caramel cheesecake” and “double chocolate ecstasy” and other shady unfair ways to lure you in. And you’ll laugh at me and think, “I’m pregnant, how dare that blogger tell me to stay away from snacks such as these! Ha! And they have fiber which, hello, I'm pregnant, constipated and need - I’m buying 3 boxes!”
You fool. You big, round, hormonal fool.
You will take those boxes home and put them in the cupboard. You may be tempted to eat one immediately. You will be surprised at how small the bar is, and eat it in three bites. It will be delicious. You’ll think, “Wow, this doesn’t even taste healthy one bit!”
But then you’ll think of me, and start to get anxious. And anxious you should be, because in approximately 30 minutes it will hit.
You might run back to the box and think, “What god-awful ingredients are in this thing that could possibly tear someone apart on the inside like this,” and it is then that you’ll notice all-too-late the warning that the box itself yields:
TOO LATE NOW!
I have a theory that the companies that make these fiber bars have discovered a secret ingredient that attaches to the inside of your intestinal tract and isn’t ruled by the mechanics that digest other foods, and that they lace their products with this ingredient for some evil reason.
Because six hours later you will still be in agony, and think “This is it. This is how it ends.”
Now don’t COMPLETELY give up. There are some things you may be able to do to ease the pain. Sometimes eating greasy food can get the wheels turning and make you feel better. Fighting fire with fire, you could call it. I’d recommend chicken fries from Burger King but you can pick your poison. This may provide some temporary relief, but not for long. That fiber ain’t going nowhere anytime soon.
And if you thought the worst part was the stomach pain you just wait until that fiber finally finishes the job. You might consider making a “Do Not Disturb” sign for the bathroom door while you await your imminent fate.
Once your sentence is over, may you have learned your lesson. You may return to the store and refuse to go within 30-feet of the fiber bars, and this is a smart idea. However, once you believe you’ve learned your lesson and feel that you are strong enough to go near again, you will find that new, even MORE dicey flavors have been released. Do not cave. This is a necessary marketing strategy intended to make you forget your previous experience and tell yourself that “Nutella velvet cheesecake swirl” couldn’t be that bad.
If you've lived to tell the tale of fiber bar horror, feel free to share and make me laugh with empathy. If you have any other suggestions for relieving pregnancy constipation that doesn't involve extreme pain, PLEASE share to help ya sistas out!
If this just made you laugh, share to spread the laughter!